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Black Blood: The Next Generation

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 Black Blood: The Next Generation Empty Black Blood: The Next Generation

Post by Lilacstar September 26th 2012, 19:52

BLACK BLOOD: NEXT GENERATION


 Black Blood: The Next Generation Black_10



~Intro:
Hey Everyone! Forestblaze and I decided to make a Collab story. Her story is about Moonsplash, (Icepaw is my insane character) Icepaw's older half story, and how she became corrupt from her dead sister's promises and encourgments. Soon Icepaw rose to power, only to fall at the paws of Starclan. This is Icepaw's Story. Warning, can have hints of Gore, so if you don't like Gore, don't read Wink Read & Review Please!~

[Also, the Prolouge is Icepaw's death. Wink]
Leaf-Bare is among you, but it shake the forest harder, freeze the lands, coat the sky black, make the ground run red, and ultimately tear apart the code...in the forum of Ice...

Prolouge:


Chapter 1: How the Maddness Started.
Spoiler:

Chapter 2: Do you wanna know how far to go?
Spoiler:

Chapter 3: Tell me you're here
Spoiler:


Last edited by Viper on December 30th 2012, 14:20; edited 8 times in total
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Post by Nyx September 26th 2012, 20:06

It's a good start, and a pretty standard length for a chapter. I'd like to point out that you used words/phrases quite repitively though.

The first two sentences: you already stated the Icepaw was smiling. It's unnecessary to repeat that, "With a smile, Icepaw..."

You also repeated the words "excited" and "excitement" a little close together. You could instead expand your vocabulary and use the words, "exultant, jubliant, etc."

When Moonsplash spoke, she repeated the word "see". It's not necessary to change this, but I think just "See what power I can give you?" is good enough.

Also, when describing the leaders, you used "horrified" a little way too much. Why not use synonyms, like "repulsed, disgusted, etc."?

While writing what the leaders said to Icepaw, the word "hissed" was used twice in quick succession, as well as "With a roar, Ratstar..."

You also used "pressed his/her claws" twice, so maybe you could instead do "slashed his claws", "stabbed her claws", etc.

Next time, try proofreading first. Wink
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Post by Redstar September 26th 2012, 20:10

*says like Dora "My favorite part was how the Thundeclan leader dies!"*

I like this Very Happy Moonsplash and Icepaw are insane sisters :3
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Post by Caraway September 26th 2012, 21:11

i agree that many details repeat, but i'm getting the feeling some are on purpose, too Razz

you missed a few letters and a few commas in places, but Brightstar pointed out the major things. proof-reading does help.

also, the sentence "...they witnessed." should be "they had witnessed". just some grammar stuff.

it's a good story Smile the metaphors you used were nice, too.
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Post by Redstar October 2nd 2012, 17:16

Viper, just a question: Are you going to keep writing this? Because you haven't written anything in a little while.... :/
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Post by Lilacstar October 12th 2012, 17:03

STORY UPDATED!!


Sorry for such a long wait, but I hope you like it!! :3
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Post by Nyx October 13th 2012, 18:54

Awesome update Viper! Wink I can see that you proof-read this time. Keep on writing~ Razz
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Post by Caraway October 13th 2012, 19:34

This time you don't have any typos which is a great improvement Very Happy
You still repeat lots of details, though. In the first few lines you repeated, "in the air" three times. Also, watch for sentences like "With a wail, Icekit wailed".
Something that I wanted to point out was that fur can't really be heavy with flesh, can it? Unless cats were ripped to shreds and there were enough shreds to cake their bodies with the remnants o.o
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Post by Redstar December 20th 2012, 15:32

Moonsplash is light gray, not silver. :3 BUT I LOVE THE NEW CHAPTER!!! Mainly the end, "Moonsplash...." And she hugged her... LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. NEW ONE NOW!!! O()O
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Post by Guest December 20th 2012, 16:33

Whoa this story hasn't been updated for a couple months. Razz But heyy, it's a good start! I think you should continue it Viper.
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Post by Illusion December 20th 2012, 19:32

This is awesome! can't wait for more!

But I found a few typos...
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Post by Nyx December 20th 2012, 20:43

If you found typos than please state them. Edit your post above.

You should continue this Viper. :] Especially since Fores started her little RP.
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Post by Redstar December 20th 2012, 21:43

I found the typos in chapter 1. I haven't looked at the Prologue yet.
Typo on the left, correct spelling on the right
Chapter 1
stufff - stuff
frightend - frightened
(x2)strangers - stranger's
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