Warrior Cats Forum
Welcome to Warrior Cats Forum!

Start exploring our lands by clicking here! Also click here to read the Site Rules. Registering on our community gives you access to our forums, territories, roleplays, chatbox, art galleries, worlds, and more! It's time to begin the adventure!

 Black Blood: The Next Generation Banner10



Join the forum, it's quick and easy

Warrior Cats Forum
Welcome to Warrior Cats Forum!

Start exploring our lands by clicking here! Also click here to read the Site Rules. Registering on our community gives you access to our forums, territories, roleplays, chatbox, art galleries, worlds, and more! It's time to begin the adventure!

 Black Blood: The Next Generation Banner10

Warrior Cats Forum
Would you like to react to this message? Create an account in a few clicks or log in to continue.

Black Blood: The Next Generation

5 posters

Go down

 Black Blood: The Next Generation Empty Black Blood: The Next Generation

Post by Lilacstar September 26th 2012, 19:52

BLACK BLOOD: NEXT GENERATION


 Black Blood: The Next Generation Black_10



~Intro:
Hey Everyone! Forestblaze and I decided to make a Collab story. Her story is about Moonsplash, (Icepaw is my insane character) Icepaw's older half story, and how she became corrupt from her dead sister's promises and encourgments. Soon Icepaw rose to power, only to fall at the paws of Starclan. This is Icepaw's Story. Warning, can have hints of Gore, so if you don't like Gore, don't read Wink Read & Review Please!~

[Also, the Prolouge is Icepaw's death. Wink]
Leaf-Bare is among you, but it shake the forest harder, freeze the lands, coat the sky black, make the ground run red, and ultimately tear apart the code...in the forum of Ice...

Prolouge:


Chapter 1: How the Maddness Started.
Spoiler:

Chapter 2: Do you wanna know how far to go?
Spoiler:

Chapter 3: Tell me you're here
Spoiler:


Last edited by Viper on December 30th 2012, 14:20; edited 8 times in total
Lilacstar
Lilacstar
WindClan Leader
WindClan Leader

Custom Rank : ☪forsaken☪
WarriorPoints : 5887
Female Posts : 2782
Reputation : 341

Warrior Information
Attack Power : 75,000

Back to top Go down

 Black Blood: The Next Generation Empty Re: Black Blood: The Next Generation

Post by Nyx September 26th 2012, 20:06

It's a good start, and a pretty standard length for a chapter. I'd like to point out that you used words/phrases quite repitively though.

The first two sentences: you already stated the Icepaw was smiling. It's unnecessary to repeat that, "With a smile, Icepaw..."

You also repeated the words "excited" and "excitement" a little close together. You could instead expand your vocabulary and use the words, "exultant, jubliant, etc."

When Moonsplash spoke, she repeated the word "see". It's not necessary to change this, but I think just "See what power I can give you?" is good enough.

Also, when describing the leaders, you used "horrified" a little way too much. Why not use synonyms, like "repulsed, disgusted, etc."?

While writing what the leaders said to Icepaw, the word "hissed" was used twice in quick succession, as well as "With a roar, Ratstar..."

You also used "pressed his/her claws" twice, so maybe you could instead do "slashed his claws", "stabbed her claws", etc.

Next time, try proofreading first. Wink
Nyx
Nyx
IceClan Warrior
IceClan Warrior

Custom Rank : 2bright4u
WarriorPoints : 38853
Female Posts : 6814
Reputation : 5532

Warrior Information
Attack Power : 150,000

Back to top Go down

 Black Blood: The Next Generation Empty Re: Black Blood: The Next Generation

Post by Redstar September 26th 2012, 20:10

*says like Dora "My favorite part was how the Thundeclan leader dies!"*

I like this Very Happy Moonsplash and Icepaw are insane sisters :3
Redstar
Redstar
ShadowClan Leader
ShadowClan Leader

Custom Rank : WCF Granny
WarriorPoints : 10415
Female Posts : 3326
Reputation : 643

Warrior Information
Attack Power : 79,500

Back to top Go down

 Black Blood: The Next Generation Empty Re: Black Blood: The Next Generation

Post by Caraway September 26th 2012, 21:11

i agree that many details repeat, but i'm getting the feeling some are on purpose, too Razz

you missed a few letters and a few commas in places, but Brightstar pointed out the major things. proof-reading does help.

also, the sentence "...they witnessed." should be "they had witnessed". just some grammar stuff.

it's a good story Smile the metaphors you used were nice, too.
Caraway
Caraway
Global Moderator
Global Moderator

Custom Rank : Behind the Mask
WarriorPoints : 34009
Female Posts : 5555
Reputation : 7905

Warrior Information
Attack Power : 150,000

Back to top Go down

 Black Blood: The Next Generation Empty Re: Black Blood: The Next Generation

Post by Redstar October 2nd 2012, 17:16

Viper, just a question: Are you going to keep writing this? Because you haven't written anything in a little while.... :/
Redstar
Redstar
ShadowClan Leader
ShadowClan Leader

Custom Rank : WCF Granny
WarriorPoints : 10415
Female Posts : 3326
Reputation : 643

Warrior Information
Attack Power : 79,500

Back to top Go down

 Black Blood: The Next Generation Empty Re: Black Blood: The Next Generation

Post by Lilacstar October 12th 2012, 17:03

STORY UPDATED!!


Sorry for such a long wait, but I hope you like it!! :3
Lilacstar
Lilacstar
WindClan Leader
WindClan Leader

Custom Rank : ☪forsaken☪
WarriorPoints : 5887
Female Posts : 2782
Reputation : 341

Warrior Information
Attack Power : 75,000

Back to top Go down

 Black Blood: The Next Generation Empty Re: Black Blood: The Next Generation

Post by Nyx October 13th 2012, 18:54

Awesome update Viper! Wink I can see that you proof-read this time. Keep on writing~ Razz
Nyx
Nyx
IceClan Warrior
IceClan Warrior

Custom Rank : 2bright4u
WarriorPoints : 38853
Female Posts : 6814
Reputation : 5532

Warrior Information
Attack Power : 150,000

Back to top Go down

 Black Blood: The Next Generation Empty Re: Black Blood: The Next Generation

Post by Caraway October 13th 2012, 19:34

This time you don't have any typos which is a great improvement Very Happy
You still repeat lots of details, though. In the first few lines you repeated, "in the air" three times. Also, watch for sentences like "With a wail, Icekit wailed".
Something that I wanted to point out was that fur can't really be heavy with flesh, can it? Unless cats were ripped to shreds and there were enough shreds to cake their bodies with the remnants o.o
Caraway
Caraway
Global Moderator
Global Moderator

Custom Rank : Behind the Mask
WarriorPoints : 34009
Female Posts : 5555
Reputation : 7905

Warrior Information
Attack Power : 150,000

Back to top Go down

 Black Blood: The Next Generation Empty Re: Black Blood: The Next Generation

Post by Redstar December 20th 2012, 15:32

Moonsplash is light gray, not silver. :3 BUT I LOVE THE NEW CHAPTER!!! Mainly the end, "Moonsplash...." And she hugged her... LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. NEW ONE NOW!!! O()O
Redstar
Redstar
ShadowClan Leader
ShadowClan Leader

Custom Rank : WCF Granny
WarriorPoints : 10415
Female Posts : 3326
Reputation : 643

Warrior Information
Attack Power : 79,500

Back to top Go down

 Black Blood: The Next Generation Empty Re: Black Blood: The Next Generation

Post by Guest December 20th 2012, 16:33

Whoa this story hasn't been updated for a couple months. Razz But heyy, it's a good start! I think you should continue it Viper.
avatar
Guest
Guest


Back to top Go down

 Black Blood: The Next Generation Empty Re: Black Blood: The Next Generation

Post by Illusion December 20th 2012, 19:32

This is awesome! can't wait for more!

But I found a few typos...
Illusion
Illusion
Loner

Custom Rank : the only L i take
WarriorPoints : 9612
Female Posts : 1128
Reputation : 763

Warrior Information
Attack Power : 50,000

Back to top Go down

 Black Blood: The Next Generation Empty Re: Black Blood: The Next Generation

Post by Nyx December 20th 2012, 20:43

If you found typos than please state them. Edit your post above.

You should continue this Viper. :] Especially since Fores started her little RP.
Nyx
Nyx
IceClan Warrior
IceClan Warrior

Custom Rank : 2bright4u
WarriorPoints : 38853
Female Posts : 6814
Reputation : 5532

Warrior Information
Attack Power : 150,000

Back to top Go down

 Black Blood: The Next Generation Empty Re: Black Blood: The Next Generation

Post by Redstar December 20th 2012, 21:43

I found the typos in chapter 1. I haven't looked at the Prologue yet.
Typo on the left, correct spelling on the right
Chapter 1
stufff - stuff
frightend - frightened
(x2)strangers - stranger's
Redstar
Redstar
ShadowClan Leader
ShadowClan Leader

Custom Rank : WCF Granny
WarriorPoints : 10415
Female Posts : 3326
Reputation : 643

Warrior Information
Attack Power : 79,500

Back to top Go down

 Black Blood: The Next Generation Empty Re: Black Blood: The Next Generation

Post by Sponsored content


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

Back to top

- Similar topics

 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum