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The Forever Battle (Chapter 4 up)

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Post by Shimmerpaw September 28th 2012, 15:58

Hey! I wanted to make a Fan-Fic of the on-going rivalry of RiverClan and Thunderclan, In my own speacial way, This is my first Fan-Fic and I will post it little by little. Enjoy!

Chapter 1:

Chapter 2:

Chapter 3:

Chapter 4:









Last edited by Sparkpaw on October 26th 2012, 15:48; edited 4 times in total
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Post by Noxe September 28th 2012, 16:47

Awesome story Sparkpaw! It sounds like the Erins wrote it Very Happy There are a couple of things I'd like to suggest. You could space the paragraphs less because putting too many spaces makes it really long. And I noticed in the dialogue you used, the punctuation isn't correct. For example:

The figure groaned “Great StarClan Mossclaw, how many times do I have to tell you not to interrupt my thoughts!”

should be "groaned, "Great..."" or "groaned. "Great...""

Other than that, it's awesome. Keep writing! Thumbs Up
And more fanfics for me to review too The Forever Battle (Chapter 4 up) 592502337
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Post by Caraway September 28th 2012, 17:29

It's a developing plot Smile Eill it be several chapters? It will need a larger climax to make it any lengthier than a few chapters.

I just saw some little mistakes like typos, wrong punctuation, capitals and such. Try not to use a lot of commas and just start new sentences. It sounds smoother. Something that bugged me was how the dialogue was written. When you're done speaking, it should be a comma instead of a period.
For example: “Well, we were taking what you don’t need.” the largest ThunderClan tom, Cloudstreak, mewed.
It should be: "Well, we were taking what you don't need," the largest ThunderClan tom, Cloudstreak, mewed.

Also, even if you do need to start a new line with every piece of dialogue, you don't need a line between them.

Keep writing Thumbs Up
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Post by Shimmerpaw September 28th 2012, 18:55

Thank you Cheese, oh yeah, this is just the beginng! There will be a lot more. Thank you Maple! I'm using Google Docs. so, I'm just getting used to the software and what not, thank you for the reviews!
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Post by Shimmerpaw October 26th 2012, 15:49

HI! I added Chapter 4 so, enjoy! ALSO! This is on Google Docs, so if you want me to share it with you, I will. Anyway, um, bye!
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