Warrior Cats Forum
Welcome to Warrior Cats Forum!

Start exploring our lands by clicking here! Also click here to read the Site Rules. Registering on our community gives you access to our forums, territories, roleplays, chatbox, art galleries, worlds, and more! It's time to begin the adventure!

The Forever Battle (Chapter 4 up) Banner10



Join the forum, it's quick and easy

Warrior Cats Forum
Welcome to Warrior Cats Forum!

Start exploring our lands by clicking here! Also click here to read the Site Rules. Registering on our community gives you access to our forums, territories, roleplays, chatbox, art galleries, worlds, and more! It's time to begin the adventure!

The Forever Battle (Chapter 4 up) Banner10

Warrior Cats Forum
Would you like to react to this message? Create an account in a few clicks or log in to continue.

The Forever Battle (Chapter 4 up)

3 posters

Go down

The Forever Battle (Chapter 4 up) Empty The Forever Battle (Chapter 4 up)

Post by Shimmerpaw September 28th 2012, 15:58

Hey! I wanted to make a Fan-Fic of the on-going rivalry of RiverClan and Thunderclan, In my own speacial way, This is my first Fan-Fic and I will post it little by little. Enjoy!

Chapter 1:

Chapter 2:

Chapter 3:

Chapter 4:









Last edited by Sparkpaw on October 26th 2012, 15:48; edited 4 times in total
Shimmerpaw
Shimmerpaw
ThunderClan Warrior
ThunderClan Warrior

Custom Rank : Ectobiolobabysitter
WarriorPoints : 6214
Female Posts : 2001
Reputation : 735

Warrior Information
Attack Power : 74,500

Back to top Go down

The Forever Battle (Chapter 4 up) Empty Re: The Forever Battle (Chapter 4 up)

Post by Noxe September 28th 2012, 16:47

Awesome story Sparkpaw! It sounds like the Erins wrote it Very Happy There are a couple of things I'd like to suggest. You could space the paragraphs less because putting too many spaces makes it really long. And I noticed in the dialogue you used, the punctuation isn't correct. For example:

The figure groaned “Great StarClan Mossclaw, how many times do I have to tell you not to interrupt my thoughts!”

should be "groaned, "Great..."" or "groaned. "Great...""

Other than that, it's awesome. Keep writing! Thumbs Up
And more fanfics for me to review too The Forever Battle (Chapter 4 up) 592502337
Noxe
Noxe
IceClan Warrior
IceClan Warrior

Custom Rank : veteran
WarriorPoints : 13294
Female Posts : 3294
Reputation : 827

Warrior Information
Attack Power : 150,000

Back to top Go down

The Forever Battle (Chapter 4 up) Empty Re: The Forever Battle (Chapter 4 up)

Post by Caraway September 28th 2012, 17:29

It's a developing plot Smile Eill it be several chapters? It will need a larger climax to make it any lengthier than a few chapters.

I just saw some little mistakes like typos, wrong punctuation, capitals and such. Try not to use a lot of commas and just start new sentences. It sounds smoother. Something that bugged me was how the dialogue was written. When you're done speaking, it should be a comma instead of a period.
For example: “Well, we were taking what you don’t need.” the largest ThunderClan tom, Cloudstreak, mewed.
It should be: "Well, we were taking what you don't need," the largest ThunderClan tom, Cloudstreak, mewed.

Also, even if you do need to start a new line with every piece of dialogue, you don't need a line between them.

Keep writing Thumbs Up
Caraway
Caraway
Global Moderator
Global Moderator

Custom Rank : Behind the Mask
WarriorPoints : 33829
Female Posts : 5555
Reputation : 7905

Warrior Information
Attack Power : 150,000

Back to top Go down

The Forever Battle (Chapter 4 up) Empty Re: The Forever Battle (Chapter 4 up)

Post by Shimmerpaw September 28th 2012, 18:55

Thank you Cheese, oh yeah, this is just the beginng! There will be a lot more. Thank you Maple! I'm using Google Docs. so, I'm just getting used to the software and what not, thank you for the reviews!
Shimmerpaw
Shimmerpaw
ThunderClan Warrior
ThunderClan Warrior

Custom Rank : Ectobiolobabysitter
WarriorPoints : 6214
Female Posts : 2001
Reputation : 735

Warrior Information
Attack Power : 74,500

Back to top Go down

The Forever Battle (Chapter 4 up) Empty Re: The Forever Battle (Chapter 4 up)

Post by Shimmerpaw October 26th 2012, 15:49

HI! I added Chapter 4 so, enjoy! ALSO! This is on Google Docs, so if you want me to share it with you, I will. Anyway, um, bye!
Shimmerpaw
Shimmerpaw
ThunderClan Warrior
ThunderClan Warrior

Custom Rank : Ectobiolobabysitter
WarriorPoints : 6214
Female Posts : 2001
Reputation : 735

Warrior Information
Attack Power : 74,500

Back to top Go down

The Forever Battle (Chapter 4 up) Empty Re: The Forever Battle (Chapter 4 up)

Post by Sponsored content


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

Back to top

- Similar topics

 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum