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The Cherry and Berry Destiny!

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Post by Lilacstar June 18th 2012, 19:22

Here is the Cherry and Berry Destiny! Do you think your ready to handle it???

Allegiances:

Prolouge!:

Chapter 1:
The Nightmare called the Future...:

Chapter 2:
Good day or Bad day?:


END OF BOOK SPOILER!
END OF BOOK SPOILER!:




Last edited by Iceshard on July 2nd 2012, 11:08; edited 6 times in total
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Post by Phoenixwing June 18th 2012, 21:09

Nice! A fanfic? When you've posted the prologue/chapter 1 tell me, so I ca review it! Wink
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Post by Auburnflare June 18th 2012, 21:35

And meee! I wanna read it! Just because I don't have the fancy Fanfiction reviewers color or badge, doesn't mean I can't! >.> *continues ranting*
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Post by Redstar June 19th 2012, 00:13

I'm practically Berrykit (I made up her warrior name and me and Kitty payed at Berrykit and Cherrykit Razz), so I can read it!!!
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Post by Noxe June 19th 2012, 10:20

Cool, I can't wait to read it! Very Happy This will be my first review as a Fan-fic Reviewer! :O
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Post by Lilacstar June 19th 2012, 12:06

PROLOUGE IS OUT!! READ IT AND PLEASE REVIEW!!!

Wow...it took me an Hour and a half to write this whole prolouge! x3 I hope you like it! :DDD
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Post by Redstar June 19th 2012, 12:53

I love the prolouge, Kitty!!! ;3
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Post by Noxe June 19th 2012, 14:40

This is a very detailed and mysterious prologue, I like it! Very Happy There of a couple of punctuation and capitalization errors, but nothing really bad. I suggest using paragraphs though, because that way it looks more organized. Wink Also I think it would be better to say, "Two with a destiny like no others will rise to save the Clans" instead of "Two will rise to save the Clans with a destiny like no other"
Other than those little details though, it's great! Can't wait for Chapter 1! Very Happy
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Post by Auburnflare June 19th 2012, 15:24

The prophecy was fine, there's nothing wrong with the way she worded it. Just because it's unusual, doesn't mean it's wrong. Wink
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Post by Auburnflare June 21st 2012, 12:31

Just a few things I noticed:

- "it’s hollow amber eyes locking on Crookedstar, making his fur bristle." "It's" should be "its".

- " "Clan against clan in the darkest hour, two will rise to save the clans in a destiny like no other." There should be only one quotation mark.

- " ”Hurry Crookedstar, time’s almost up..” The" You forgot a period

-Remember to put spaces in between your punctuation and your next words

- Try not to use the same word a lot in one sentence, or the story at all

This is a great story! Wink I love the plot so far. I wonder when we'll hear from Cherrysplash and Berrysplash... Good job, Kitty! Thumbs Up

Phoenix: My other post was 24 hours or longer ago
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Post by Noxe June 21st 2012, 12:43

Waiiiiiiiiit... There's a rule like that on double posting???
And yeah that's what I noticed for the punctuation errors Wink
I especially like the beginning my English teacher is big on vivid verbs and sersory imagery XD
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Post by Lilacstar June 28th 2012, 12:07

UPDATED!

CHapter 1 is now up! Smile
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Post by Noxe June 28th 2012, 12:19

Chapter one is very good, though I think you may be able to add just a bit more detail. Here some thingsI noticed:

"If you choose" not "if you chose"
"Berrykit screamed, struggling to her paws but something has snaked around them." might be better phrased as "Berrykit screamed and struggled to stand up, but something snaked around her."
And also I didn't really understand it when you said, "But for some reason…I fell like you, Cherrykit will somehow protect me in a way I can’t ever do for you.."

Otherwise, it's awesome! I love the metaphor "fraud of a safe dream." Keep up the good work! Very Happy
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Post by Pinewhisker June 28th 2012, 12:26

I love it! I can't wait for you to post more!
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Post by Auburnflare June 28th 2012, 15:36

It's awesome! Love it. Wink

But it's supposed to be "thought" in the first sentence. And I believe "Berrykit screamed, struggling to her paws but something has snaked around them." is supposed to be "was". Just a simple type-o. You need to consider that when you're reviewing, Maplestream. "But for some reason…I fell like you, Cherrykit will somehow protect me in a way I can’t ever do for you.." It's supposed to be "feel", and there should be two comma's surrounding Cherrykit. But other than that, I see nothing wrong that hasn't been pointed out. Wink
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Post by Lilacstar June 28th 2012, 16:38

Thanks. I know I have alot of type-o's, but it because I rush through my story now, But updates will be showing soon! Wink
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Post by Auburnflare June 28th 2012, 16:40

Just ignore Maplestream. Cat Tongue I love the plot! Thumbs Up
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Post by Noxe June 28th 2012, 16:42

... But I'm a Fanfic Reviewer! :|
And you should take your time working on it. I know it will be great! Very Happy
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Post by Auburnflare June 28th 2012, 16:48

I was joking. Cat Tongue I'm sure she spends a lot of time on it, it's so good!
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Post by Lilacstar June 28th 2012, 16:49

Razz Oh you two will give me a headache! Razz

Well, thanks for all the support you guys! <3
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Post by Lilacstar July 2nd 2012, 10:14

POSTED the last chapter preview, I will edit it to make it more dramatic when the time comes.
Next, comes chapter 2. Peace out, got some writing to do! Wink

~Iceshard.
(Shard.)
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Post by Nyx July 2nd 2012, 20:24

Nice ending. Already very dramatic! Wink I've noticed some things that you may consider changing.

-Warrior cats may not know what "baby" is, much less the word "girl". You may think about tweaking that a bit.
-In the sentence, "the tom twitched rabidly..."; I assume that you meant 'rapidly', not 'rabidly'
-Also, in he last sentence, I believe that "they" is supposed to be "the"

Other then those, I also suggest not using all-caps on some sentences. Stressing the noise and feelings in actual words may be more effective, and sophisticated. I may have missed somethings, and I apologize. It is difficult to do anything on my Kindle browser. Keep on writing, Ice! (Oh, and I do suggest proofreading after writing a Chapter.[Smile
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Post by Caraway July 2nd 2012, 22:01

i think you've made a good effort with the descriptions, just be careful where the commas go. the names sound good; they're not too unrealistic like Bittenalligator or something and they fit RiverClan's persona (look at me, i don't even know what that word means. i'm such a hypocrite Razz ).
also, i'm not sure how much you edit your work, but you do repeat some things for example, in the prologue, the description of hollow, amber eyes appears twice in the same paragraph.
i quite like the personality of the black spirit in the prologue Very Happy
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Post by Legendflower July 3rd 2012, 03:12

I can't read it because I'm on my phone, bug I'm sure its awesome. :3
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