The iMustard

Before you lies the future of technology and condiments! Apple has done it again: invented new technology that adapts to you. Now you can be Asian without fear! Express your yellowness with the new iPhone. Get ready for a product greater, better, and yellower than any before. Introducing the iMustard™ by Apple, Inc. © 2014

The new iMustard comes with all of the iPhone 5S features. Made completely out of 100% organic, kosher-certified, gluten free, no additives or preservatives, fresh never frozen, rBGH free mustard! Consumer may use the mustard camera filter to give pictures a racist yellow tint! Fingerprint sensor satisfaction 0% guarantee because it's made of mustard and is unable to sense your fingerprint! Who needs an ultra fast camera when you have mustard? Order ships within 314 years. Product comes with new Apple EarMustards: better, brighter, yellower headphones that are guaranteed to block out all the sounds you want to hear! No returns, no refunds.
Get it for $314,159,265,358,979,323.84 now!

Note from producer: product may contain gluten, soybeans, milk, peanuts, and everything else people are allergic to even though the above claim states the absence of these substances. Has yet to receive approval from the FDA. The iMustard charges using the hotdog charger, to be provided by consumer. Batteries not included. The iMustard does not protect against, cure, treat, or prevent influenza, hepatitis B, tuberculosis, meningitis, malaria, strep, herpes simplex, H1N1 virus, chlamydia, polio, leprosy, sickle cell anemia, scoliosis, diabetes, arthritis, asthma, Alzheimer's, Huntington's disease, Parkingson's disease, amnesia, typhus, pink eye, obsessive/compulsive disorder, attention deficit hyperactive disorder, attention deficit disorder, dyslexia, cancer, lymphoma, leukemia, or other disorders, conditions, and diseases including but not limited to sexually transmitted diseases such as herpes, human immunodeficiency virus, or acquired immunodeficiency syndrome; rather, studies show that the iMustard may cause the consumer's chance of contracting any of the listed and unlisted diseases to increase to 100%. Ask your doctor before starting the iMustard. Symptoms may include obesity, anorexia nervosa, depression, a tendency to binge eating and bulimia, paranoia, dementia, retching, hair loss, various phobias, low fever, high fever, muscle failure, blindness, deafness, heart failure, various cardiovascular diseases, and death.

Buy the iMustard at your local Apple store today before it's too late! Offer ends in one nanosecond. Too late!