Story for Snowlily (UNEDITED)

I may not be allowed to do this or whatever, but this is for Snowlily....the story of our friendship...sadly unedited at the moment.... Here it goes!

THE BEGINNING OF A GREAT FRIENDSHIP

Lightningpaw shifted on her small paws excitedly. This was her first Gathering! What kind of cats would be there? Would they like her? Would she like them? Most likely not if they were a threat to ThunderClan. Unaware of the glares and mutterings of her fellow apprentices that showed their skeptisism of her being their leader's apprentice and already revered even though she was only an apprentice for half a moon so far, Lightningpaw looked up at her mentor with wide, excitement-filled, golden pools of honey. Then, they were off. The slight yet long-limbed she-cat shot off along side Foxstar. The massive dark ginger tabby's bushy tail had a tip of white and he had a longer snout than most. Eyes of dark, mysterious green misty hues turned to her as she awed at his impressive muscles. "You excited? Terrified maybe?" amusement had filled the oddly fox-like tom's husky voice. It was naturally low, but easily heard over any noise. The apprentice gave a playful snarl which made the deputy, a strict black tom with icy blue eyes named Pantherglare, look over stonily. A frosty warning filled his eyes as he silently told her to shut up with his eyes. Foxstar and Lightningpaw both looked at eachother. "Jealous much?" They chimed at the same time, dual masks of pure amusement on their faces. "My! Aren't we the rambunctious group today! Let's not tease eachother too much. Tonight is not a night for fighting! Keep that in mind." A sleek dark gray she-cat chuckled begin them. Those warm ninth green eyes warmed Lightningpaw's heart. "Sorry, Mintgaze." She and Foxstar mewed in unision again.

Once they could smell the mixture of Clan cats ahead, they stopped and burst into the Gathering place at Foxstar's signal. A streak of gray and white flew past the Clan formation and went tumbling the rest of the way, landing at the paws of a beautiful white apprentice with vivid blue eyes. After a grunt of pain, Lightningpaw got to her paws, shaking her fur of dust after stepping back from the white she-cat so she wouldn't dirty her perfectly white pelt. "Sorry bout that. I suppose I couldn't control my excitement. This is my first Gathering after all!"she lied smoothly. She knew it was actually because one of her Clanmates had shoved her. It had to have been a warrior by how much it had made her stumble. The white apprentice narrowed her blue eyes. "I saw what really happened you know. It's a bad habit to lie." she said dryly. Surprise lit Lightningpaw's gaze. "How did you know?" She whispered. That earned her a shrug. "I just happened to be looking that way when that tan she-cat over there shoved you." Looking over her shoulder, a shocked gasp left Lightningpaw's maw. It was Sandmist, Foxstar's mate! "You must be mistaken! Sandmist is-" the blue eyed and observant she-cat before her interrupted her calmly. "She was the one. I know by that long scar on her shoulder. The same as the cat who shoved you." As if to back up her statement, Foxstar stalked up to his mate with a mask of fury on his features. "Whoa. I cant believe it...." sadness filled her golden eyes. I bought into her nice act..." another shrug from the apprentice before her. "So did everyone else. Jealousy is ugly." Wanting to change the topic, Lightningpaw blurted out the first thing that came to mind. "So, what's your name?" her voice was bring and friendly as she spoke to the mysterious she-cat. "Snowpaw. What's yours?" a smile stretched across Lightningpaw's muzzle. A laugh erupted from her, hearty and loud. A few cats looked over, bewildered, but she kept on.

After a gasp from her short laugh fit, Lightningpaw grinned. "It suite you so well!" Another chuckle came out of her. "I'm Lightningpaw." The two she-cats were complete opposites, but seemed to get along quite well anyway. Snowpaw was like the older sister Lightningpaw had never had. Snowpaw found that this somewhat loud cat had a contagious light of bright happiness surrounding her. She found it surprising when she saw Lightningpaw's sarcastic, sharp- tongued side come out once she was agitated. They got in quite a bit if trouble for talking while the leaders did, but Snowpaw liked the brighter side of her that Lightningpaw pulled out of her.

"So, who is this Redpaw talk about so much?" Snowpaw asked curiously. Lightningpaw ducked her head in embarrassment. "No cat special....just a tom I find...." Snowpaw enjoyed this bashful side if her new friend and laughed softly. "A tom you find....attractive? Oh! Are you mooning on him?" She teased with a purr as Lightningpaw flusteredly denied it. "Well...I have no experience in love so far, but I say you should at least talk to him!"

Sadly, the next day, Redpaw was mauled in a border fight. It absolutely crushed poor Lightningpaw's heart. And once it was announced at the next Gathering, the she-cat could be seen holding back tears and leaning into the comforting Snowpaw. They were now inseparable at Gatherings and often met on border or hunting patrols. Thankfully, the Clans were allies at the time. They knew everything about eachother. Most would think them best friends.

One peaceful Gathering, Riverpaw, a handsome Bengal tom approached Lightningpaw and Snowpaw. Lightningpaw soon ditched Snowpaw for her new RiverClan crush. They were distant for moons. Soon, Lightningpaw was named Lightningstorm, Snowpaw, Snowlily, and Riverpaw,Riversplash. By then, Lightningstorm was carrying Riversplash's kits. She found out about her father being in RiverClan and broke off her mateship with Riversplash.

At the next Gathering, Lightnigstorm was still crushed. Snowlily, being the kind, forgiving cat she was, comforted her. "Will you forgive me? I was such a fool...." the white she-cat only smiled. "You have already been forgiven for a long time, Hun." And with that, they were once again back to how they were. They often chat about Lightningstorm's kits as well as Snowlily's as if they were still in the nursery! To Lightningstorm, Snowlily is a big sister and the best friend she could ever ask for.

AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME.

Five words already? Great.

LOVE IT!!! SO CUTE!!! AWESOME!!!

YAY!!! I LOVE IT LIGHTY!

The detail and dialogue you put in there is great! There are a few spacing and capitalization errors, and I think you need to put "you" between "Redpaw" and "talk" in: "So, who is this Redpaw talk about so much?"
The spacing errors: you forgot to put a space in "eachother" and sometimes after a comma or quotation.
Capitalization: "You must be mistaken! Sandmist is-" the blue eyed and observant she-cat... "the" should be capitalized. And a couple of others through the story.
Otherwise, I think it's perfect! Snowlily will love it!

I've noticed that too. xD Its a very nice story Light! Detailed and concise, no straying off to who knows where! I sometimes do that in my stories, and its really frustrating. Most of the time I stray off in detail. Keep writing it Light!

I think Snow has already read it!

well, it is unedited.

lots of descriptions maybe it's just me, but i find the dialogue hard to read. usually, dialogue is started on a new line. it was hard to see who was talking because if it was like this:
Person 1 shrugs. "Blah blah blah blah." Person 2 smiles.
you don't really know who's talking. so, it's better if it's on a new line. Snowdapple always yells at me for that. like this:
Person 1 shrugs. "Blah blah blah blah."
Person 2 smiles. -if there's no more dialogue, paragraph continues-
i've seen this with a lot of people and i can't understand their stories even though the rest of it is well written. this is for all of those people too

Thanks guys. I love your honesty! I will edit it once I can get to a computer and have time. I wrote this on my kindle. >.> so....I suppose I'm gonna add more soon and stuff I haven't planned anything much yet.

Yeah, can't blame her. Blame the horrid kindle! Heehee. Can I say my favorite, or will someone get mad..? :O

No, go ahead! I don't mind. :3 I actually wanna know.<3