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A Time for War: Fan-fic (Chapter 1 Coming Soon! xD)

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A Time for War: Fan-fic (Chapter 1 Coming Soon! xD) Empty A Time for War: Fan-fic (Chapter 1 Coming Soon! xD)

Post by Nyx December 19th 2011, 16:52

*Note: All the packs are cats. Only the Outsiders are wolves.
More Characters Coming Soon!

------------------------------------------------------
Pack of Coming Night
Nickname: Shadow-hunters
Leader: Theraise
Deputy: Ignatius
Healer: Amber
Warriors:
Violet
Carolus
Donovan
Kapu
Michaela

Pack of Breaking Dawn
Nickname: Light-bringers
Leader: Althea
Deputy: Sylvia
Healer: Yan
Warriors:
Winter
Ivory
Xenon
Velika
Ulrika

Pack of Stormy Nights
Nickname: Night-walkers
Leader: Thorn
Deputy: Moira
Healer: Briar
Warriors:
Talon
Azure
Eridor
Blizzard
Briam

Pack of Setting Sun
Nickname: Spell-weavers
Leader: Alva
Deputy: Talon
Healer: Royce
Warriors:
Lenora
Kishi
Storm
Theraise
Vanilor


Outsiders (wolves):
Alpha Male: Zero
Alpha Female: Silver
Beta Male: Celsius
Beta Female: Estelle
Omega:
Infinite
Rontu
Argenta
Amaroq
Ivy



Prologue
Spoiler:

Edited Prologue:

Spoiler:


Last edited by Brightstar on December 21st 2011, 17:28; edited 6 times in total
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Post by Scarlett December 19th 2011, 17:12

Lol okay. So I will start by saying no it isn't too short. I think the use of detail is fantastic. The descriptive words were amazing to put it simply, and I loved that they were unique and not the overused descrtions. Some of my favorites being things like "milky light", "Shadowy clouds crept across the sky" and "casting eerie shadows dancing across the white expanse". . It really flowed nicely into the piece. You have a very good, natural command of language and use of vocabulary. I'm rather impressed.
Now for some advice. Well, as I said before the detail is great. The only problem, if it can be called that, is you have limited the detail to primarily forcusing on the things that you see or touch. So everything that you saw and were able to touch in it was described beautifully but all the detail you can get from the other senses was ignored. I'd like to see more detail about what the characters are feeling and doing themselves (more so in the begining) and also take a little time to focus on the sounds and smells. I guarentee that you will se an entirely new side of this peice. It adds a sense of balance to it that is hard to master but makes for a great read.
One other suggestion I have is that when you do story or fanfic like this (in this particular layout), dedicate your entire begining to the surroundings. Talk about everything you can see, feel, smell, hear, etc before introducing the characters. I was very confused when I first read this because it went from what the scenery looked like to what the cats were doing to what the cats looked like then back to the scenery. It also made identifying who the first and second cats were very difficult for me. I think maybe if It was organized with the scenery description first and then you describe the cats before they have their confrontation, it would be easier to identify which cat was doing and saying what. It may be useful then, after explaining what each cat looks like, to take each one's defining characteristics and use that to identify each when they finally talk to each other (if you decide not to name them immediately). Then, if you want to describe the scenery more you can add on to the begining of it. The fanfic will sound less choppy. The scenes are ment to be described all at once and together. Spreading it out too much can make it hard to follow. Therefore, you only need to describe it one time in total for each change of scene (with the exception of a change in atmosphere but that’s a different story we can discuss through a pm. This organizes it much better and will greatly improve it.
Overall, this piece was very well done. The things I suggested fixing in yours (as I have realized now) are mistakes that I make in my own writing. So in some ways you helped me to fix my own and both of the two things I suggested improving where things that I see a lot of people here do or forget to do as the case may be. Beautifully done. Nice work,Brightstar. I'd expect nothing less.

(Sorry for the lenght. I found I had a lot to say about this piece. Keep it up though Brightstar.)


Last edited by Snowlily on December 19th 2011, 19:21; edited 3 times in total
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Post by Nyx December 19th 2011, 17:14

Thanks, Snow! I kind of want to keep the golden she-cat's name a secret though. But you'll find out soon. xD
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Post by Scarlett December 19th 2011, 17:20

I'm not saying that you have to give the names. Lol you may want to reread that part of it. What I said was that if you weren't going to give them names right away you should describe them so people can identify them that way instead of cat one and cat two. It's more personally involving when you describe or name them instead of calling them the first cat or the secondcat. Make sense?
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Post by Nyx December 20th 2011, 09:23

~Oh yeah, Snow. The packs have 8 warriors each, while the Wolf Pack only has 5 wolves in the Omega.
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Post by Guest December 20th 2011, 10:46

Nice, Brightstar! This is really good! I like the beginning paragraph. ^.^
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Post by Scarlett December 20th 2011, 11:02

So you have obviously noticed the difference. Am I right? What do you think of your own writing then? I love how the edit came out personally. Wink Very good job Brightstar.
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Post by Nyx December 20th 2011, 17:46

I need to finish this in 5 days! -.- I can't even do a short story. I have to ask Iceclaw if I can just send her the parts I finished. >.<
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Post by Guest December 20th 2011, 21:24

Wow! I like your prolougue. Are you going to reveal the name of the golden tabby? If you are not going to that's fine. I just want to know the name. Razz Great job! Smile
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Post by Frost December 21st 2011, 07:39

Brightstar, no worries! You may just send me the first few chapters of your Time of War Fanfiction! Wink Its great, no doubt of it! If you need any help, do PM me. I might provide ideas on how to improve your storyline. You don't have to finish the entire story! A good idea would be to end of with a cliff-hanger, leaving the reader thinking about what's happening next. It would be good to build up the suspense. Cats dying is a nice way Razz See my fanfic and you'll know how much I love to kill of the characters~

Brightstar wrote:

Edited Prologue:

Spoiler:

After thoroughly reading through, I've edited a little. Words in blue are the changes I made. Words in red are those I like. The front part was great, as Snowlily said. But its a little overly described, with all the adjectives. I suggest you to use them considerately.

Overall, good job! Can't wait for your final entry! Time is ticking so do it quick! XD

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Post by Lunarlight December 21st 2011, 08:24

This must have took awhile. Very Happy
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Post by Frost December 21st 2011, 08:27

You're speaking to me? Or Brightstar? Very Happy
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Post by Lunarlight December 21st 2011, 08:39

Brightstar.
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Post by Nyx December 21st 2011, 11:26

Thanks, Iceclaw! ^.^ I need to work on my Chapter 1 and fast. o.O
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