A Time for War: Fan-fic (Chapter 1 Coming Soon! xD)
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A Time for War: Fan-fic (Chapter 1 Coming Soon! xD)
by Nyx December 19th 2011, 16:52
*Note: All the packs are cats. Only the Outsiders are wolves.
More Characters Coming Soon!
------------------------------------------------------
Pack of Coming Night
Nickname: Shadow-hunters
Leader: Theraise
Deputy: Ignatius
Healer: Amber
Warriors:
Violet
Carolus
Donovan
Kapu
Michaela
Pack of Breaking Dawn
Nickname: Light-bringers
Leader: Althea
Deputy: Sylvia
Healer: Yan
Warriors:
Winter
Ivory
Xenon
Velika
Ulrika
Pack of Stormy Nights
Nickname: Night-walkers
Leader: Thorn
Deputy: Moira
Healer: Briar
Warriors:
Talon
Azure
Eridor
Blizzard
Briam
Pack of Setting Sun
Nickname: Spell-weavers
Leader: Alva
Deputy: Talon
Healer: Royce
Warriors:
Lenora
Kishi
Storm
Theraise
Vanilor
Outsiders (wolves):
Alpha Male: Zero
Alpha Female: Silver
Beta Male: Celsius
Beta Female: Estelle
Omega:
Infinite
Rontu
Argenta
Amaroq
Ivy
Prologue
Edited Prologue:
More Characters Coming Soon!
------------------------------------------------------
Pack of Coming Night
Nickname: Shadow-hunters
Leader: Theraise
Deputy: Ignatius
Healer: Amber
Warriors:
Violet
Carolus
Donovan
Kapu
Michaela
Pack of Breaking Dawn
Nickname: Light-bringers
Leader: Althea
Deputy: Sylvia
Healer: Yan
Warriors:
Winter
Ivory
Xenon
Velika
Ulrika
Pack of Stormy Nights
Nickname: Night-walkers
Leader: Thorn
Deputy: Moira
Healer: Briar
Warriors:
Talon
Azure
Eridor
Blizzard
Briam
Pack of Setting Sun
Nickname: Spell-weavers
Leader: Alva
Deputy: Talon
Healer: Royce
Warriors:
Lenora
Kishi
Storm
Theraise
Vanilor
Outsiders (wolves):
Alpha Male: Zero
Alpha Female: Silver
Beta Male: Celsius
Beta Female: Estelle
Omega:
Infinite
Rontu
Argenta
Amaroq
Ivy
Prologue
- Spoiler:
- The moon shed its milky light across the snowy mountains, making everything seem to shine with its own brilliance. Shadowy clouds crept across the sky, covering the light source at intervals, casting eerie shadows dancing across the white expanse. Somewhere, the soft songs of a bird were heard, only adding to the peaceful atmosphere.
“Thorn is going to kill me! Why do you think Althea is going to spare you in any way?” A soft, but clearly carrying voice echoed up the hill. Soft pawsteps made the snow crunch and squeak, sending a small squirrel scampering across the snow. It leaped up on a bare tree and chattered crossly as two cats came into view.
“I never said she was going to spare me. I just don’t care! Azure, this is going to be fun! Can you just stop worrying about making yourself look bad in front of Talon?” The first cat meowed, her beautiful golden pelt a glowing ray of sunshine in the middle of the night.
The other cat scowled and gave her companion a hefty shove in the shoulder. “Shut up!”
“Anyways, we’re near the abandoned fortress now at any rate.”
“Oh sure! I don’t see any big stone castle; you think it’s going to be easy to miss that big, dark mass of human-craft on this bright white, snowy mountain?”
The golden she-cat rolled her eyes. “Of course not! Kapu said it was concealed cleverly, remember? It was just past a big rock, he said” She padded forward confidently, and meowed over her shoulder, “Just you see, we’ll come up the fortress before you can say ‘mouse’!”
Azure rolled her eyes, than stopped walking all together. “Watch out!”
The golden she-cat was still glancing over her shoulder at Azure as they loped along when they had rounded a bend, and the massive boulder had loomed out of no where. The golden she-cat slammed into the rock head-first, as she tried to turn to look around. Azure screamed and raced over to the limp body of the she-cat. “Wake up! By the Seven Mountains, wake up! Please!” But the she-cat wouldn’t stir. Already, a pool of blood had surrounded her head, soaking into the snow, staining it red. The warrior’s breathing came shallow and quick, barely audible, even in the complete silence life held around them. It seemed that the whole mountain was holding their breath, waiting for nature to take its course.
“No! That won’t happen!” Azure hissed under her breath. But it was too late, she knew. It was at least a two mile walk back to camp, and they would never make it! She dug her claws into the tightly packed snow, refusing to call out. If I do, the Outsiders would sooner eat us then help us! But… but what if the rumors aren’t true? Suppose the wolves don’t eat cats? Part of her mind scolded Azure that she’d even think of such a silly notion, but the other part of her mind said, they go to the Gatherings in peace, but would they keep that peace here? No one has tried it this generation, at least.
Desperation, however, overcame Azure’s long-held fear of wolves. Her best friend’s blood was seeping out into the snow, and she was here dithering about wolves! Even though her best friend grew up in a different Clan, they had become fast friends at their first Gathering. From then on, neither had ever thought they had found such a good friend in either of their Clans. So their friendship had stuck, no matter how Althea and Thorn alike had warned, threatened, and pleaded.
Making up her mind, Azure lifted her head, and yowled, “Help! Help us! Help! Help!’
She yowled and cried non-stop for two minutes, before giving up, panting, her voice hoarse. So the wolves really are cruel as they say.
But just as Azure had those thoughts, three slender shapes detached themselves from the shadows and padded gracefully forward, their paws leaving no sound on the fresh snow.
The leader, a broad-shouldered, thick-furred black wolf stepped forward and gazed at the two she-cats with narrowed yellow eyes. Then he barked something in the wolf language, and the other two wolves, a she-wolf and a male wolf, slipped the golden she-cat onto the she-wolf’s back. The other wolf immediately left afterward, running fleet-footed back to the fortress.
The leader turned back to Azure, his thick black tail twitching. “Walk,” he ordered, in the cat-tongue, and turned away.
Edited Prologue:
- Spoiler:
- The moon shed its milky light across the snowy mountains, making everything seem to shine with its own brilliance. Shadowy clouds crept across the sky, covering the light source at intervals, casting eerie shadows dancing across the white expanse. The pine trees remained still and silent like statues, yet the bare, deciduous trees creaked and groaned under the weight of the soft, powdery snow. Delicate, glistening frost covered all of the rocks protruding from the snow, and a half-frozen river cut though the hills and mountainous rocks. Somewhere, the soft songs of a bird began and stopped, as it opened its wings and flew away. Underneath the branch, two she-cats trotted along, keeping a quick, steady pace. The bigger she-cat ran slightly in the lead, her blue-gray fur barely visible under the shadow of the pine trees, yet her wary pale blue eyes flicked back and forth, making it easy to track her progress, even at night. The smaller golden tabby she-cat loped at the bigger she-cat’s shoulder, her narrow, delicate frame a sharp contrast from her companion’s.
After a while, the bigger she-cat glanced over her shoulder at her acquaintance. “Are you tired?”
Amber eyes glittering, the small cat shook her head.
“We’ll rest anyways,” she replied as her pale blue eyes flicked away from the accusing golden gaze. “Don’t worry, we’ll get back in time.”
The golden she-cat’s eyes flared in anger. “Thorn is going to kill me! Why do you think Althea is going to spare you in any way, Azure?” Her soft pawsteps made the snow crunch and squeak, sending a small squirrel scampering across the snow. It leaped up on a bare tree and chattered crossly at them, but they ignored it.
“I never said she was going to spare me. I just don’t care! This is going to be fun! Can you just stop worrying about making yourself look bad in front of Xanon?” Azure retorted impatiently, her tail twitching half in impatience, and half in amusement.
The smaller she-cat scowled and gave Azure a hefty shove in the shoulder. “Shut up!”
Hardly stumbling, Azure continued, “Anyways, we’re near the abandoned fortress now at any rate.”
“Oh sure! I don’t see any big stone castle; you think it’s going to be easy to miss that big, dark mass of human-craft on this bright white, snowy mountain?”
Azure rolled her eyes. “Of course not! Kapu said it was concealed cleverly, remember? It was just past a big rock, he said” She padded forward confidently, and meowed over her shoulder, “Just you see, we’ll come up the fortress before you can say ‘mouse’!”
The small golden tabby rolled her eyes and raced ahead, glancing back at Azure in exasperation.
The golden she-cat was still glancing over her shoulder at Azure as they loped along when they had rounded a bend, and the massive boulder had loomed out of no where. The golden she-cat slammed into the rock head-first, as she tried to turn to look around. Azure screamed and raced over to the limp body of the she-cat. “Wake up! Please!” But the other she-cat wouldn’t stir. Already, a pool of blood had surrounded her narrow head, soaking into the snow, staining it red. The warrior’s breathing came shallow and quick, barely audible, and her golden pelt was matted with blood. Silence enveloped them; it seemed that the whole mountain was holding their breath, waiting for nature to take its course.
“No! That won’t happen!” Azure hissed under her breath. But it was too late, she knew. It was at least a two mile walk back to camp, and they would never make it! She dug her claws into the tightly packed snow, refusing to call out. If I do, the Outsiders would sooner eat us then help us! But… but what if the rumors aren’t true? Suppose the wolves don’t eat cats? Part of her mind scolded Azure that she’d even think of such a silly notion, but the other part of her mind said, they go to the Gatherings in peace, but would they keep that peace here? No one has tried it this generation, at least.
Desperation, however, overcame Azure’s long-held fear of wolves. Her best friend’s blood was seeping out into the snow, and she was here dithering about wolves! Even though her best friend grew up in a different Clan, they had become fast friends at their first Gathering. From then on, neither had ever thought they had found such a good friend in either of their Clans. So their friendship had stuck, no matter how Althea and Thorn alike had warned, threatened, and pleaded.
Making up her mind, Azure lifted her head, and yowled, “Help! Help us! Help! Help!’
She yowled and cried non-stop for two minutes, before giving up, panting, her voice hoarse. So the wolves really are cruel as they say.
But just as Azure had those thoughts, three slender shapes detached themselves from the shadows and padded gracefully forward, their paws leaving no sound on the fresh snow.
The leader, a broad-shouldered, thick-furred black wolf stepped forward and gazed at the two she-cats with narrowed yellow eyes. Then he barked something in the wolf language, and the other two wolves, a she-wolf and a male wolf, slipped the golden she-cat onto the she-wolf’s back. The other wolf immediately left afterward, running fleet-footed back to the fortress.
The leader turned back to Azure, his thick black tail twitching. “Walk,” he ordered, in the cat-tongue, and turned away.
Last edited by Brightstar on December 21st 2011, 17:28; edited 6 times in total
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Re: A Time for War: Fan-fic (Chapter 1 Coming Soon! xD)
by Scarlett December 19th 2011, 17:12
Lol okay. So I will start by saying no it isn't too short. I think the use of detail is fantastic. The descriptive words were amazing to put it simply, and I loved that they were unique and not the overused descrtions. Some of my favorites being things like "milky light", "Shadowy clouds crept across the sky" and "casting eerie shadows dancing across the white expanse". . It really flowed nicely into the piece. You have a very good, natural command of language and use of vocabulary. I'm rather impressed.
Now for some advice. Well, as I said before the detail is great. The only problem, if it can be called that, is you have limited the detail to primarily forcusing on the things that you see or touch. So everything that you saw and were able to touch in it was described beautifully but all the detail you can get from the other senses was ignored. I'd like to see more detail about what the characters are feeling and doing themselves (more so in the begining) and also take a little time to focus on the sounds and smells. I guarentee that you will se an entirely new side of this peice. It adds a sense of balance to it that is hard to master but makes for a great read.
One other suggestion I have is that when you do story or fanfic like this (in this particular layout), dedicate your entire begining to the surroundings. Talk about everything you can see, feel, smell, hear, etc before introducing the characters. I was very confused when I first read this because it went from what the scenery looked like to what the cats were doing to what the cats looked like then back to the scenery. It also made identifying who the first and second cats were very difficult for me. I think maybe if It was organized with the scenery description first and then you describe the cats before they have their confrontation, it would be easier to identify which cat was doing and saying what. It may be useful then, after explaining what each cat looks like, to take each one's defining characteristics and use that to identify each when they finally talk to each other (if you decide not to name them immediately). Then, if you want to describe the scenery more you can add on to the begining of it. The fanfic will sound less choppy. The scenes are ment to be described all at once and together. Spreading it out too much can make it hard to follow. Therefore, you only need to describe it one time in total for each change of scene (with the exception of a change in atmosphere but that’s a different story we can discuss through a pm. This organizes it much better and will greatly improve it.
Overall, this piece was very well done. The things I suggested fixing in yours (as I have realized now) are mistakes that I make in my own writing. So in some ways you helped me to fix my own and both of the two things I suggested improving where things that I see a lot of people here do or forget to do as the case may be. Beautifully done. Nice work,Brightstar. I'd expect nothing less.
(Sorry for the lenght. I found I had a lot to say about this piece. Keep it up though Brightstar.)
Now for some advice. Well, as I said before the detail is great. The only problem, if it can be called that, is you have limited the detail to primarily forcusing on the things that you see or touch. So everything that you saw and were able to touch in it was described beautifully but all the detail you can get from the other senses was ignored. I'd like to see more detail about what the characters are feeling and doing themselves (more so in the begining) and also take a little time to focus on the sounds and smells. I guarentee that you will se an entirely new side of this peice. It adds a sense of balance to it that is hard to master but makes for a great read.
One other suggestion I have is that when you do story or fanfic like this (in this particular layout), dedicate your entire begining to the surroundings. Talk about everything you can see, feel, smell, hear, etc before introducing the characters. I was very confused when I first read this because it went from what the scenery looked like to what the cats were doing to what the cats looked like then back to the scenery. It also made identifying who the first and second cats were very difficult for me. I think maybe if It was organized with the scenery description first and then you describe the cats before they have their confrontation, it would be easier to identify which cat was doing and saying what. It may be useful then, after explaining what each cat looks like, to take each one's defining characteristics and use that to identify each when they finally talk to each other (if you decide not to name them immediately). Then, if you want to describe the scenery more you can add on to the begining of it. The fanfic will sound less choppy. The scenes are ment to be described all at once and together. Spreading it out too much can make it hard to follow. Therefore, you only need to describe it one time in total for each change of scene (with the exception of a change in atmosphere but that’s a different story we can discuss through a pm. This organizes it much better and will greatly improve it.
Overall, this piece was very well done. The things I suggested fixing in yours (as I have realized now) are mistakes that I make in my own writing. So in some ways you helped me to fix my own and both of the two things I suggested improving where things that I see a lot of people here do or forget to do as the case may be. Beautifully done. Nice work,Brightstar. I'd expect nothing less.
(Sorry for the lenght. I found I had a lot to say about this piece. Keep it up though Brightstar.)
Last edited by Snowlily on December 19th 2011, 19:21; edited 3 times in total
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Re: A Time for War: Fan-fic (Chapter 1 Coming Soon! xD)
by Nyx December 19th 2011, 17:14
Thanks, Snow! I kind of want to keep the golden she-cat's name a secret though. But you'll find out soon. xD
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Re: A Time for War: Fan-fic (Chapter 1 Coming Soon! xD)
by Scarlett December 19th 2011, 17:20
I'm not saying that you have to give the names. Lol you may want to reread that part of it. What I said was that if you weren't going to give them names right away you should describe them so people can identify them that way instead of cat one and cat two. It's more personally involving when you describe or name them instead of calling them the first cat or the secondcat. Make sense?
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Re: A Time for War: Fan-fic (Chapter 1 Coming Soon! xD)
by Nyx December 20th 2011, 09:23
~Oh yeah, Snow. The packs have 8 warriors each, while the Wolf Pack only has 5 wolves in the Omega.
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Re: A Time for War: Fan-fic (Chapter 1 Coming Soon! xD)
by Guest December 20th 2011, 10:46
Nice, Brightstar! This is really good! I like the beginning paragraph. ^.^
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Re: A Time for War: Fan-fic (Chapter 1 Coming Soon! xD)
by Scarlett December 20th 2011, 11:02
So you have obviously noticed the difference. Am I right? What do you think of your own writing then? I love how the edit came out personally. 
Very good job Brightstar.
Very good job Brightstar.
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Re: A Time for War: Fan-fic (Chapter 1 Coming Soon! xD)
by Nyx December 20th 2011, 17:46
I need to finish this in 5 days! 
I can't even do a short story. I have to ask Iceclaw if I can just send her the parts I finished. >.<
I can't even do a short story. I have to ask Iceclaw if I can just send her the parts I finished. >.<
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Re: A Time for War: Fan-fic (Chapter 1 Coming Soon! xD)
by Guest December 20th 2011, 21:24
Wow! I like your prolougue. Are you going to reveal the name of the golden tabby? If you are not going to that's fine. I just want to know the name. 
Great job! 
Great job!
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Re: A Time for War: Fan-fic (Chapter 1 Coming Soon! xD)
by Frost December 21st 2011, 07:39
Brightstar, no worries! You may just send me the first few chapters of your Time of War Fanfiction! Its great, no doubt of it! If you need any help, do PM me. I might provide ideas on how to improve your storyline. You don't have to finish the entire story! A good idea would be to end of with a cliff-hanger, leaving the reader thinking about what's happening next. It would be good to build up the suspense. Cats dying is a nice way See my fanfic and you'll know how much I love to kill of the characters~
After thoroughly reading through, I've edited a little. Words in blue are the changes I made. Words in red are those I like. The front part was great, as Snowlily said. But its a little overly described, with all the adjectives. I suggest you to use them considerately.
Overall, good job! Can't wait for your final entry! Time is ticking so do it quick! XD
Iceclaw
Its great, no doubt of it! If you need any help, do PM me. I might provide ideas on how to improve your storyline. You don't have to finish the entire story! A good idea would be to end of with a cliff-hanger, leaving the reader thinking about what's happening next. It would be good to build up the suspense. Cats dying is a nice way See my fanfic and you'll know how much I love to kill of the characters~Brightstar wrote:
Edited Prologue:
- Spoiler:
soft, powderythick snow. Delicate, glistening frost covered all of the rocks protruding from the snow, and a half-frozen river cut though the hills and mountainous rocks. Somewhere, the soft songs of a bird began and stopped, as it took flight into the night sky. Underneath the branch, two she-cats trotted along, keeping a quick, steady pace. The bigger she-cat ran slightly in the lead, her blue-gray fur barely visible under the shadow of the pine trees, yet her wary pale blue eyes flicked back and forth, making it easy to track her progress, even at night. The smaller golden tabby she-cat loped at the bigger she-cat’s shoulder, her narrow, delicate frame a sharp contrast from her companion’s.
After a while, the bigger she-cat glanced over her shoulder at her acquaintance. “Are you tired?”
Amber eyes glittering, the small cat shook her head.
“We’ll rest anyways,” she replied as her pale blue eyes flicked away from the accusing golden gaze. “Don’t worry, we’ll get back in time.”
The golden she-cat’s eyes flared in anger. “Thorn is going to kill me! Why do you think Althea is going to spare you in any way, Azure?” Her soft pawsteps made the snow crunchand squeak, sending a small squirrel scampering across the snow. It leaped up on a bare tree and chattered crossly at them, but they ignored it.
“I never said she was going to spare me. I just don’t care! This is going to be fun! Can you just stop worrying about making yourself look bad in front of Xanon?” Azure retorted impatiently,her tail twitching half in impatience, and half in amusement.her whiskers twitching in amusement. (You've already mentioned her impatience earlier on so don't make the mistake of repeating it)
The smaller she-cat scowled and gave Azure a hefty shove in the shoulder. “Shut up!”
Hardly stumbling, Azure continued, “Anyways, we’re near the abandoned fortress now at any rate.”
“Oh sure! I don’t see any big stone castle; you think it’s going to be easy to miss that big, dark mass of human-craft on this bright white, snowy mountain?”
Azure rolled her eyes. “Of course not! Kapu said it was concealed cleverly, remember? It was just past a big rock, he said” She padded forward confidently, and meowed over her shoulder, “Just you see, we’ll come up the fortress before you can say ‘mouse’!”
The small golden tabby rolled her eyes and raced ahead, glancing back at Azure in exasperation.
The golden she-cat was still glancing over her shoulder at Azure as they loped along when they had rounded a bend, and the massive boulder had loomed out of no where. The golden she-cat slammed into the rock head-first, as she tried to turn to look around. Azure screamed and raced over to the limp body of the she-cat. “Wake up! Please!” But the other she-cat wouldn’t stir. Already, a pool of blood had surrounded her narrow head, soaking into the snow, staining it red. The warrior’s breathing came shallow and quick, barely audible, and her golden pelt was matted with blood. Silence enveloped them; it seemed that the whole mountain was holding their breath, waiting for nature to take its course.
“No! That won’t happen!” Azure hissed under her breath. But it was too late, she knew. It was at least a two mile walk back to camp, and they would never make it! She dug her claws into the tightly packed snow, refusing to call out. If I do, the Outsiders would sooner eat us then help us! But… but what if the rumors aren’t true? Suppose the wolves don’t eat cats? Part of her mind scolded Azure that she’d even think of such a silly notion, but the other part of her mind said, they go to the Gatherings in peace, but would they keep that peace here? No one has tried it this generation, at least.
Desperation, however, overcame Azure’s long-held fear of wolves. Her best friend’s blood was seeping out into the snow, and she was here dithering about wolves! Even though her best friend grew up in a different Clan, they had become fast friends at their first Gathering. From then on, neither had ever thought they had found such a good friend in either of their Clans. So their friendship had stuck, no matter how Althea and Thorn alike had warned, threatened, and pleaded.
Making up her mind, Azure lifted her head, and yowled, “Help! Help us! Help! Help!’
She yowled and cried non-stop for two minutes (cats don't count in minutes remember?
But just as Azure had those thoughts, three slender shapes detached themselves from the shadows and padded gracefully forward, their paws leaving no sound on the fresh snow.
The leader, a broad-shouldered, thick-furred black wolf stepped forward and gazed at the two she-cats with narrowed yellow eyes. Then he barked something in the wolf language, and the other two wolves, a she-wolf and a male wolf, slipped the golden she-cat onto the she-wolf’s back. The other wolf immediately left afterward, running fleet-footed back to the fortress.
The leader turned back to Azure, his thick black tailtwitchingswinging side to side. “Walk,” he ordered, in the cat-tongue, and turned away.
After thoroughly reading through, I've edited a little. Words in blue are the changes I made. Words in red are those I like. The front part was great, as Snowlily said. But its a little overly described, with all the adjectives. I suggest you to use them considerately.
Overall, good job! Can't wait for your final entry! Time is ticking so do it quick! XD
Iceclaw
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Re: A Time for War: Fan-fic (Chapter 1 Coming Soon! xD)
by Lunarlight December 21st 2011, 08:24
This must have took awhile. 
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Re: A Time for War: Fan-fic (Chapter 1 Coming Soon! xD)
by Frost December 21st 2011, 08:27
You're speaking to me? Or Brightstar?
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Re: A Time for War: Fan-fic (Chapter 1 Coming Soon! xD)
by Lunarlight December 21st 2011, 08:39
Brightstar.
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Re: A Time for War: Fan-fic (Chapter 1 Coming Soon! xD)
by Nyx December 21st 2011, 11:26
Thanks, Iceclaw! ^.^ I need to work on my Chapter 1 and fast. o.O
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