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Darkness comes

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Darkness comes

Post by Thunderclaw on February 6th 2013, 16:41

I have decided to make a story.This is the first story I have ever made,so if you see any errors, please point them out.

Spoiler:
PROLOGUE

Night had fallen as nothing stirred in a clearing with one tree in the middle of it. Suddenly, the silence was broken by a growl as many cats slipped out of the bushes on one side of the clearing. The lead cat , a jet black cat with a white underbelly, hissed a command and some of the cats began climbing the tree. Before they had gone more than halfway up, Other cats began to emerge from the other side.The leader, A brown tom, growled. " You don't belong here. Get out of here or be attacked, Darkshadow. "The cat named Darkshadow dipped his head and sneered." Brownstar,we both know that your clan is much weaker than mine.surrender this part of your territory, or suffer defeat. "With a flick of his tail in signal, Brownstar jumped on Darkshadow and yowled to the air. "It is you who will suffer in defeat!"Suddenly,the whole clearing was alive with growling and writhing cats. In the middle, A Black she-cat was pinned down by Darkshadow, when Brownstar jumped on him and made Darkshadow roll off of her." Do you always pick on someone smaller than you? you too weak for a fight against me?" He challenged,and jumped on Darkshadow.soon,a red cat with green eyes ran up to Darkshadow and threw Brownstar off." We are losing, we must retreat."Darkshadow looked at his beaten cats and sighed." You are right."He jumped onto a little hill close to the end where he had first arrived. "WINDCLAN!!!!!RETREAT!!!!!!" All his cats broke away from the other cats and ran away into the bushes.He jumped down and hissed," We will be back.This territory will be ours'."

A cat sat alone in the middle of the camp, looking at the stars.A Brown cat with black spots walked up to the cat."All the cats are sleeping,Hawkstar.They grieve the lose of Owlfeather."The cat turned."I thought We could win this.We need more territory if we are to survive leafbare,Ashpelt."Ashpelt dipped his head."Are you looking to the stars for answers?"Just then,a heavy wind blew, and Thunder sounded in the distance.Ashpelt went rigged with shock,and calmed down after a few heartbeats."It was a sign.When Thunder rides after the wind,the clan will be safe."Hawkstar dipped his head."If you say so,I do not doubt you,Ashpelt.My clan has a chance to be saved."



Spoiler:
Chapter one is coming soon!


Last edited by Thunderclaw on February 11th 2013, 11:52; edited 1 time in total
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Re: Darkness comes

Post by Phoenixflare on February 6th 2013, 17:13

Well... I don't se anything. Keep up the good work!
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Re: Darkness comes

Post by Nyx on February 6th 2013, 17:26

It's a pretty good start Thunderclaw. Smile And it's 'Prologue' not 'Prolouge' by the way.

There was some spacing and capitalization errors in Chapter 1 and I edited it for you:

Chapter 1:
Night had fallen as nothing stirred in a clearing with one tree in the middle of it. Suddenly, the silence was broken by a growl as many cats slipped out of the bushes on one side of the clearing.The lead cat, a jet black cat with a white underbelly, hissed a command and some of the cats began climbing the tree. Before they had gone more than halfway up, other cats began to emerge from the other side.The leader, a brown tom, growled, " You don't belong here. Get out of here or be attacked, Darkshadow." The cat named Darkshadow dipped his head and sneered, " Brownstar, we both know that your clan is much weaker than mine. Surrender this part of your territory, or suffer defeat." With a flick of his tail in signal, Brownstar jumped on Darkshadow and yowled to the air, "It is you who will suffer in defeat!" Suddenly, the whole clearing was alive with growling and writhing cats. In the middle, a black she-cat was pinned down by Darkshadow, when Brownstar jumped on him and made Darkshadow roll off of her. "Do you always pick on someone smaller than you? You too weak for a fight against me?" He challenged,and jumped on Darkshadow. Soon, a red cat with green eyes ran up to Darkshadow and threw Brownstar off. "We are losing, we must retreat." Darkshadow looked at his beaten cats and sighed." You are right."He jumped onto a little hill close to the end where he had first arrived. "WINDCLAN!!!!!RETREAT!!!!!!" All his cats broke away from the other cats and ran away into the bushes. He jumped down and hissed, "We will be back. This territory will be ours."

A cat sat alone in the middle of the camp, looking at the stars. A brown cat with black spots walked up to the cat. "All the cats are sleeping, Hawkstar. They grieve the lose of Owlfeather." The cat turned, "I thought we could win this. We need more territory if we are to survive leafbare, Ashpelt." Ashpelt dipped his head. "Are you looking to the stars for answers?" Just then, a heavy wind blew, and thunder sounded in the distance. Ashpelt went rigid with shock, and calmed down after a few heartbeats. "It was a sign. When Thunder rides after the wind, the clan will be safe." Hawkstar dipped his head. "If you say so, I do not doubt you, Ashpelt. My clan has a chance to be saved."

__________________________________________________

¤  Nyx  ¤
Click above to learn more about me.

"Fly without wings;
Dream with open eyes;
See in darkness."

- Dejan Stojanovic


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Re: Darkness comes

Post by Thunderclaw on February 11th 2013, 11:44

Ummm.... I haven't done chapter one yet Sweat hehehe. Thanks for the help,I'm almost done with Chapter one. Smile
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Re: Darkness comes

Post by Thunderclaw on February 15th 2013, 16:21

Spoiler:
Chapter one

Leaves brushed his face as Thunderkit pounced on the mouse."Gotcha!"he exclaimed, only to screech in surprise as a weight landed on him, shoving him to the ground."Hand over the prey."His brother, Windkit whispered in his ear.Dropping the prey, he heaved upward, throwing Windkit off."As if I would,"Thunderkit said, and pounced for Windkit.In midair, He collided with Nightkit.Flarekit padded up as Nightkit got up.Brothers, and one moon older, they towered over him."Hehehe, you really are weak,"Nightkit tounted, batting Thunderkit away.Thunderkit jumped up and mewed to Windkit,"They'll steal the prey!Get them!"Windkit pounced on Flarekit, and Thunderkit pounced on Nightkit.He fought with all four paws, doing moves Stormcloud had tought him.Soon Nightkit screeched in a mocking voice."Oh no,we give up."He Shoved Thunderkit off, as did Flarekit with Windkit.Windkit looked at Thunderkit."Don't worry, when one of us is leader, he won't dare do that to us."Thunderkit grinned at the thought.Leader, like Hawkstar.He had always wanted to be leader, ever since his mom had told him why the were named what they were named.They were named from the Thunder that had announced his birth and the wind that was blowing very hard that day, on the battle against Riverclan.His clan had lost, but they had taken territory from Thunderclan territory to survive leafbare.They still had that territory.He wished he had seen the battle to win the territory, but his mom had said that there would be plenty of battles he would see.

This is chapter one. Hope you like it Smile
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Re: Darkness comes

Post by Hawkflight on April 7th 2013, 22:06

Very Happy Nice! Is Hawkstar named after me? Sneer/Grin
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Re: Darkness comes

Post by Illusion on April 8th 2013, 20:32

Why is this in other Roleplaying?

Anyways, keep up the good work!
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Re: Darkness comes

Post by Thunderclaw on April 11th 2013, 18:16

Well, I actually dug for names, and Hawkstar WAS named after you. Smile Hope ya don't mind.Trying to get stuff straightened out.Chapter two coming VERY soon.
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Re: Darkness comes

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