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Black Blood: The Rise

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Post by Redstar September 26th 2012, 19:12

The prologue is before "Black Blood: The Next Generation!"!

Prologue: That's it...!
Spoiler:

Chapter One: I want to be just like YOU.
Spoiler:

Black Blood Links:
http://www.warriorcatsforum.com/t2219-black-blood-how-it-all-began
http://www.warriorcatsforum.com/t2223-black-blood-the-next-generation


Last edited by Forestblaze on October 1st 2012, 14:12; edited 4 times in total
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Post by Nyx September 26th 2012, 19:50

You have some conflicting present tenses and past tenses. Such as "She was 20 moons now. She hasn't been suspected..." Since you seem to use past tense for the rest of the chapter, I'd suggest you'd change "hasn't to "hadn't".

It would make smoother transition in the story if you use a little more detail as to, for example, how she knew that Flamedance had had her kits at that very moment. Could she sense it? See it through a pool? And maybe describe her surroundings in the Dark Forest just when she woke up? It would make it a lot better. Wink

Keep writing! Thumbs Up 2
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Post by Caraway September 26th 2012, 21:16

lots of ripping, i see Razz

it's got more detail than the original story, i think. there are a lot of good ideas wedged into the few paragraphs, but i agree with Brightstar that you should elaborate (don't go overboard, we don't need to know... some details). it's a developing plot Very Happy keep writing to improve! xD
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Post by Noxe September 27th 2012, 16:34

I agree with y'all. And more description, instead of so much dialogue, would be awesome too Smile It's an awesome story though, and I can't wait to hear more! Thumbs Up
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Post by Sunbeam September 27th 2012, 20:49

Like maple said, less dialouge and more description. Other than that, it is fine! Really good story! Keep writing!
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Post by Redstar October 1st 2012, 14:07

Chapter 1 is up! Very Happy Hope you enjoy it!
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Post by Caraway October 1st 2012, 16:18

Chapter One is an improvement Very Happy It really displays what goes on in the Dark Forestl, and the whole thing with Icekit makes sense. There are less typos and more description. Great job Very Happy
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